Ten Things a Provisional God Shouldn’t Do
by Silvertress
Summary: Torture/ a/u/ G/V/M, Gt/B Bord Dende obsessed w/ chick flicks gets Piccolo to help torture our romance burdened demi(s)


Ten Things a Provisional God Shouldn't Do

Chapter 1: Alcohol the Solution and Cause to all Problems

By **Silvertress**** and Danni **

Disclaimer: Neither I or Danni own the ideas, characters, or concepts behind the following: Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Ten Things I Hate About You, The Taming of the Shrew. All possession of these is that of the respectful owner. So hah can't sue us. 

Author's Note: The original idea for this parody fic was Danni's I just got the honors of writing  the first chapter. This is a humor fic so characters like Dende and Piccolo will be fairly OOC. But who knows with all the torture fics out there maybe Dende does have a sadistic side.  So please as always Read, Review, and above all Enjoy. Thanks; 

Important Plot Notes: 

1. Dende is bored.

2. Gohan and Videl are both 25 and still in colledge. I know that's over 7 years since high school just think they took about 2 years off or so. 

3. Goten, Trunks, Marron, Bra are all 18 and in their last year of highschool. 

4. Trunks and Bra are twins. This was done because Goten is going after her and it makes the ages work out better. 

5. Both Videl and Marron are going after Gohan. 

6. Alchohol has a very bad effect on Nameks. 

7. Dende has several scary obsessions and a twisted sense of humor.

-~--*--~-

"How can everything be so blasted boring? Even when you can see everything on the whole Earth, today is just dull! I mean god damn-it it's like watching the grass grow." The Guardian of the Earth Dende spoke to himself leaning on his old gnarled wooden staff. Even with the sun shining brightly and a clear sapphire sky overhead causing the Look out Tower to be nothing less then pristine, nevertheless our sweet Dende was bored.  
"Don't worry all the Guardian's get bored at one point or another." Popo said from behind him a watering can in hand and a ridiculous straw hat with pink flower on his head.  
"Wait I'm god so should I really use that saying to damn myself? Probably not. Popo stop patronizing me. I'm not a child, and get rid of that hat." The fed up Namek said.  
"Stop taking out your boredom on me." Popo said bending to some flowers. "If you feel so then do something."  
"Something? Hmm.. That's a good idea, why didn't I think of that?" Mr. Popo muttered some things under his breath but luckily the Guardian wasn't listening. Instead for the first time in his own career he was planning. Or more like conniving for his own enjoyment. The young god while planning had been almost giggling to himself. The plan had it's genesis from the beginning of "The Taming of the Shrew" an old play that Gohan had made him read by some guy by the name of Shakespeare. The stage was set all he had to do was get one of the major players ready. 

As Dende put down his own drink of who knows what with a pink umbrella for a crystalline glass, quickly he stalked to where Piccolo's drinking flask was carelessly left out in the open. "This'll teach him to leave his things out." Dende whispered to himself. He carefully poured the contents into the flask. Alcohol had the same effects on Nameks as it did humans or Saiya-jins just different levels of symptoms afterwards. In Nameks case this was worse and, all the better for the demented little guardians plan. Piccolo had to get to say it eloquently very wasted. The alcohol being vodka would have it so the Namek wouldn't be able to taste it and another positive is it would have a nice big kick to it.

 The young Guardian laughed sinisterly to what he thought was his own genius. Sneaking away to hide out in an indistinct corner of the Look Out until Piccolo got thirsty. "Why haven't I tried this before? Goten and Trunks were right this mischievous stuff rocks." Dende said snickering to himself in a corner trying to conceal the almost cackling he almost burst into when he heard the steady quiet footsteps that could only be Piccolo walk on the tile to the flask. It was obviously clear that a while after the former Kami had drunken the mixture it was taking affect. This was apparent because he was now singing an unrecognizable slurred tune while he wobbled around in drunken strides around the outside of the Look Out. Dende seeing and hearing the sight which was the basic opposite of the usually composed and calm Piccolo he ran and started the next step of his plan.  
                                                     -~--*--~-

 "Hello? Piccolo are you awake?" Dende said in a low voice holding much more composure then he felt on the inside. "Good you're waking up come on we need you." Dende made his face stay in a stoic mask, as the elder Namek came to and looked at the younger questioningly. "What's with you? You know what we need you for right. We all got so worried when we found that you had collapsed. But at least now you're conscious." Finally Piccolo stood up still wobbling and grasping his head. Dende well thanked himself that the alcohol was still influencing him. Now grabbing his head and shaking it as if his head was pounding and probably was Dende hid a smile and started yet again another step in his twisted little scheme against ennui. "Wait you don't know what you were doing? You're Guardian of the Earth!" Piccolo's eyes opened wider at this statement in disbelief. This was going to take more work then he thought. Good time he had plenty of time there is a good reason Nameks only drink water. Maybe one is so bored sinister little Guardians won't mess with their heads.  
"Remember that you were helping that couple of brother's with their romance problems. You're so close to them you took it upon yourself to help them." Mr. Popo said from behind Dende watering can still in hand and stupid hat on head now joined by a ridiculous pink and frilly apron.  
"What's with the apron? Well at least it matches the flower and hat. But why?" Dende said off put by his appearance he almost lost it.  
"I'm putting fertilizer in to have you know. Anyway that's my scheme if you don't like mine and don't leave me alone maybe I'll interfere with your future or maybe present schemes." Dende's eyes grew wide as Popo articulated the word scheme. Would he dare? That was the question. He couldn't risk it so he smiled and replied.  
"Fine, but what were you telling Kami?" Dende asked.  
"Ah yes, well don't you remember that the younger brother came pleading for your assistance to have his older brother go out with a girl so he could." This was the plan in a nut shell or senzu bean shell. Do they have shells? I mean if they're beans wouldn't they have skin?  
Well anyway the plan was simple enough. In Piccolo's state Dende would convince him that he is Kami. Then have him tell him what he would do in the position and then do the action himself. He would just be the middle man. In Piccolo's judgment wasn't the greatest right now and knowledge of romance was thin so it would be quite a show to see what he would do.  
The Son boys who were the two he was referring to were already in romance and all its ups and downs. Gohan being about 25 and two girls competing for him. Goten being about 18 and going after the daughter of his Father's rival, it was already an interesting show. Dende thought his variation of "The Taming of the Shrew" or even "10 Things I Hate About You" would be much more interesting. Along with a taste for Shakespeare Dende also had a little obsession with "chick flicks".  
                                                    -~--*--~- 

"Hello? Hey, Gohan is anyone home?" A soft voice and then a constantly elevating force of poking brought Gohan Son back to Earth.  
"Sorry I just suddenly got a bad chill. Like something is going to happen." He replied pushing rimless glasses up his nose.  
"Why do you even wear those things?" The girl said frowning and pointing at the glasses.  
"Why do I have to keep explaining this to people? I'm still half-human so my eye sight is getting worse. So I want to see. It isn't a Clark Kent complex or that I want to look smarter. I can't see." The last sentence was strung out slowly in the air as if saying it once more slowly would let him not have to explain to another of the overly curious Z-gang.  
"Right, chill I was just wondering since the whole Saiya-man thing and all." She whispered back as response to a librarian staring murder at her. The two were in the library supposed to be studying for some Math exam.  
"That's what everyone said," The hybrid catching his head in his hands shaking it.  
"Shhhh." The Librarian was now waddling over being an elderly fairly stout person.  
"I mean why do people always have to presume things about me?" Gohan said louder now staring at her.  
"Gohan this really isn't the time for a psychology thing; maybe we should leave I mean we're both under a lot of stress."  
"Stress... You don't even know the half of it." The demi-Saiya-jin spat out closing his with a sharp snap all the papers already inside his folders he was gone and out the door. Leaving a confused Videl looking at the door still being stared by that creepy librarian.  
"What was his problem? This was about the tenth or eleventh glasses freak out today. I don't want to count for the whole week." She whispered to herself only to be shhhed at once again. "Oh stuff it you old bag." She said whispered quieter so no one could hear getting up and moving to another part of the library; she wasn't in the mood for this, and still had a test to study for she would leave Gohan for later.  
                                                     -~--*--~-  
"How did studying go?" Asked a voice with a overbearing tone of mockery.  
"Oh, shut-up. It went ok. She'll either get me into stress management therapy or kill me or give me awhile to cool down. The problem is I don't know anymore."  
"I don't see why you're going to the trouble of all this. Most guys would be thankful. Goten, damn-it will you put those binoculars away especially when I'm around. She's my sister!"  
"Sorry Trunks," Goten said putting down the binoculars and turning around on the chair so his back was facing the window and his legs were around the back of the chair.  
"You really think you can win Bra by playing the stalker? I mean if my Dad finds out," Trunks jumped down from his bed to stand in mock straightness that looked like his Father's stance went on to say. "How the hell the idiot spawn of Kakkorott dare to even think of courting my princess! He must die" Goten just looked up at his friend dropping the binoculars frightened and pale at how much the young Prince looked like his Father. Gohan just almost fell off his chair laughing.  
"He's right you know," Gohan said between laughs breathing harshly.  
"I got it all under control, don't worry about me Gohan. You have that mild Tenchi Muyo situation going on."  
"Yeah squirt you have it under control." Gohan sarcastically replied. "You still watch Tenchi Muyo? The show with those seven women chasing the guy."  
"Is it because Sasami and Kione have blue hair?" Trunks asked butting in "This is seriously going from stalker to obsessive."  
"But if he's stalking her isn't it already obsessive."  
"I think you're right so let's just say creepily obsessive. I swear Goten if you were any other guy I'd pound your ass into the fucken dirt." Trunks said. Goten was now fully red his head hung down looking at the ground. "Anyway Gohan how is the Tenchi situation working for you?" Trunks asked innocently trying to get it so the other Hybrids don't notice he watches Tenchi Muyo like Goten, but for a different reason.  
"You heard what happened with me and Marron right?" Gohan asked his ebony eyes looking out the window past Goten and at the clear azure sky.  
"No shit Sherlock it was the only thing she would talk about all day yesterday in school." Trunks replied.  
"You really got to her. Do you really think you're doing the right thing? I mean you're really hurting both of them letting this go on."  
"I really wish the Earth was being taken over by something evil. You know it's a lot easier then romance. Evil equals you kill or destroy it trying not to get any of your friends or you in the process. Even if that happens all you have to do is summon the Dragon on New Namek or here. But with Videl and Marron chasing me I don't know what to do. I mean I really like them both. So if they lay off instead of bugging me all the time maybe I can decide what to do. Not a threesome Trunks you hentai!" Gohan said quickly before Trunks could even open his mouth.  
"Ok, so you pushed both their buttons but how do you know they won't just go to you to explain isn't that going to be just more problems?"  
"Yes, I know both of them good enough to know what buttons to push and I think they'll get the idea and give me time to 'cool off' but if they come and confront me I'm screwed."  
"This is too rich. One brother will probably die in the next few days if he keeps ogling my sister the way he is. The other one is likely to be beaten to death the way he made his little fan club mad. What am I going to do with you two gone? Hang out with Dende?" Trunks asked laughing to himself the two Sons just glared at him with the same ebony eyes.  
"Trunks I can't picture who else in their right mind would ever want to hang out with you." Gohan said calmly Goten nodding in agreement.  
                                                      -~--*--~- 

Maybe I should get those two killed. Be nice having someone else to hang out with. Popo can get annoying after awhile. But then again Trunks is a total bastard; like Vegita with a twisted sense of humor. I wonder if he gets it from his Mother? I should look into that later.  
I wonder if they're just trying to help me out in this trick. I mean what a convenient conversation. All I got to do is have Vegita find out, and Marron and Videl confront Gohan. I might not even need Piccolo. I'll just give him the suggestion he'll do the order and I'll do my stuff. It's best to keep him around as a scapegoat. But he sure is more amusing when he is wasted. Maybe we should just keep him like this for entertainment. Dende looked to the older Namek who now had various pink flowers strew across his body and somehow had Mr. Popo's straw hat on and was pirouetting (turn) and glissading (kind of a side leap) across the look out tower bending down quickly in the flower beds uprooting flowers then tip toeing away and throwing them in the air with one hand. As he let what looked like Mr. Popo's apron fly in his other hand as he did his motions all the while humming an out of key high pitched "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy".  
All the while Mr. Popo was chasing him with tears in his eyes, and moving the fastest Dende ever saw. Even faster then when he had to deal with Goten and Trunks waking up in the Tower when Buu was on Earth.  
"Kami. Can I make a suggestion of what to do for the individuals you have to help?" Dende spoke up. An evil smirk to rival that of Vegita's crossed his lips as Piccolo padashaed (in fifth position jump up so one leg up bent then other land in fifth.) his way to Dende.

Author's Note: That's it for now. What do you think? Funny? Sad? Pirouetting and glissading and padasha are the only three ballet moves I remember from my dancing days. (spelling might be a little off.) What did Gohan do to Marron? Why did Videl go away so fast? Think of it this way she knows Gohan so she can tell when to back off. Will Goten live? Where did Piccolo learn ballet? I hope you'll keep your eyes open for more chapters. Until then Ja ne, Silvertress ^-^ 

Recommendation: If you want to see some more writing from us. Please take a look at All By Myself. Our first attempt at a joint fic. 

Examples below:

"Gohan was a stranger to love and love didn't even know he existed. That much was obvious he thought angrily to himself. Of course the problem could be summed up in one word and it was the word that had governed his life for the last 3 years. It was the word that had given him happiness, hope and something like love but not love – he never knew what it was. But it had also given him despair, unhappiness and anger. This word was Videl. Gohan remembered the first day he met her and how amazed he was at how beautiful she was. Before then, he had felt that way about only one girl but now she was gone. Videl was the only one that made him feel worthy of life but at the same time, she was the one who made him feel worthless." Chp 1 ABM Danni

"'A friend, somebody who is here to help Gohan with his decision and with every path he chooses. For a time at least'" Chp 3 ABM Danni

"'What the hell do you mean you don't want to come? He might die,' Goten's previously calm tone rising rapidly." Chp 6 ABM Silvertress


End file.
